-Tom Segura Pacman Jones Story
When do you ask a professional athlete for his autograph after a home play-off loss? And I think the answer is never. Thankfully, one of my friends doesn’t think this way. It is my favorite thing that’s happened in my adult life, okay? One of my buddies, he lives in Cincinnati. He is a big Cincinnati Bengals fan, okay? Now… Yeah, I know. They’re tough. He goes to their game, they lose, which isn’t weird. And then he decides he’s gonna wait in the tunnel, and ask players for autographs. Now, if you’re like me, you might be wondering, “Wait, are you friends with, like, an eight-year-old boy or something?” No, it’s a grown man being like “Can I have an autograph?” And they were all like, “No.” And some of them were like, “F*ck you.” Imagine your heroes being like, “F*ck you.”
And then, Adam “Pacman” Jones walked out of the locker room. Now, if you don’t follow football and you’re like, “I don’t know who that is,” well, how can I best describe him? Um… One time he went to a strip club, and a bunch of people got shot. He is not approachable. So my honky-a*s friend… the biggest honky in America… goes, “Pacman! Will you sign this football?” And Pacman went, “What?” Which to me would’ve been like, “So you don’t? All right, cool.” My friend just decides to make it more clear. He’s like… “It’s a football. And you play it. And I just watched you. Uh… Will you sign this?” And Pac goes, “What the f*ck did you say to me?” Which, now, I’m like, “Why are you still there?” But now he knows he’s got one shot. Pac walks right up to him, like, “What’d you say?” My friend just goes, “Look, man. It’s a football. It’s for my dad. And my dad loves you.” He said Pacman looked at him and he said, “Tell that motherf*cker I appreciate him.” That’s the end of the story, but… Don’t you love the juxtaposition of angrily being like, “You tell that motherf*cker,” but then, “Don’t forget to say thank you.”
I’ve been trying to incorporate that into my life. I was at an airport bar, I was getting up, and they called my flight. The bartender goes, “Somebody recognized you. They sent you a drink.” “Tell that motherf*cker I appreciate it. And he goes, “What the hell did you just say to me right now?” I said, “F*ck his mother, I appreciate her. Tell him that.” I still haven’t found a place for it, but I’m working on it.
-Tom Segura Pacman Jones Story
